I'm just wrapping up my last day in Madison. It was beautiful. Tomorrow marks the 1st of August, 2012 and a new moon reveals herself.
It's strange. My goodbyes seem unreal. Unemployment seems unreal. Newness seems unreal. Nothing is what it was a short time ago. It all feels temporary, or like some distant thing that someone told me about. Except one comforting thing: I still feel like me.
I cannot make sense of any of it. I feel like, at this point, I should have a greater understanding about life. A greater understanding about what to look for, what to avoid, how life works, whether I'm big or small, selfish or selfless - that sort of thing. And I'm often frustrated when I realize that I don't have those answers. Nothing to write down on paper. Or, I don't think I do. But at the same time, when I have the clarity to see all this, I notice that I'm living differently every day, indicative of some learning about something. I'm taking risks. I'm vulnerable. I'm softer. I'm open. I'm treasuring my time with loved ones. I'm feeling blessed. I'm lighter. I'm cherishing sunsets and breezes and seeing people laugh & smile. I'm accepting support. I'm breaking down silly parts of me. I'm taking care of my well-being. I'm pausing before reacting. I'm forgiving myself. I'm homeless and jobless with no solid plan, but maintaining optimism (most of the time) and not having a panic attack. Seriously, that's huge!
I just heard an owl outside (insert random moment of feeling blessed). Go ahead. Roll your eyes. ;)
I spent my final Madison evening at the Union. It was open-mic night. As I scanned the crowd for my Union date, who but a dear friend unknowingly walked toward me. When I think of the Union, I think of this friend so it was a pretty uncanny and fun coincidence that she was there on a Tuesday evening. She was on her way out, so we shared a tearful moment as I told her that it was my last night in Madison.
Well, there was a mix-up with my Union plans but when my friend didn't make it, somehow some very special people appeared before me. Some lovely-coworkers-slash-dear-friends joined me at the Terrace instead. These poor people have said about 15 damn goodbyes to me already. I feel so terrible but instead of rolling their eyes at my ever-changing story, they are so loving and supportive. It was really nice. Tonight's sunset was one of the most beautiful I've seen in a long time and a gift to be viewing over the glassy surface of Lake Mendota, broken up by peaceful-looking sailboats, with a surprising and delightful violin/beatbox combination soothing my ears in the background. A truly Madison send-off. I love you, Madison. I know there will never be another place quite like you in my heart, but it's time for us to part.
It's strange. My goodbyes seem unreal. Unemployment seems unreal. Newness seems unreal. Nothing is what it was a short time ago. It all feels temporary, or like some distant thing that someone told me about. Except one comforting thing: I still feel like me.
I cannot make sense of any of it. I feel like, at this point, I should have a greater understanding about life. A greater understanding about what to look for, what to avoid, how life works, whether I'm big or small, selfish or selfless - that sort of thing. And I'm often frustrated when I realize that I don't have those answers. Nothing to write down on paper. Or, I don't think I do. But at the same time, when I have the clarity to see all this, I notice that I'm living differently every day, indicative of some learning about something. I'm taking risks. I'm vulnerable. I'm softer. I'm open. I'm treasuring my time with loved ones. I'm feeling blessed. I'm lighter. I'm cherishing sunsets and breezes and seeing people laugh & smile. I'm accepting support. I'm breaking down silly parts of me. I'm taking care of my well-being. I'm pausing before reacting. I'm forgiving myself. I'm homeless and jobless with no solid plan, but maintaining optimism (most of the time) and not having a panic attack. Seriously, that's huge!
I just heard an owl outside (insert random moment of feeling blessed). Go ahead. Roll your eyes. ;)
I spent my final Madison evening at the Union. It was open-mic night. As I scanned the crowd for my Union date, who but a dear friend unknowingly walked toward me. When I think of the Union, I think of this friend so it was a pretty uncanny and fun coincidence that she was there on a Tuesday evening. She was on her way out, so we shared a tearful moment as I told her that it was my last night in Madison.
Well, there was a mix-up with my Union plans but when my friend didn't make it, somehow some very special people appeared before me. Some lovely-coworkers-slash-dear-friends joined me at the Terrace instead. These poor people have said about 15 damn goodbyes to me already. I feel so terrible but instead of rolling their eyes at my ever-changing story, they are so loving and supportive. It was really nice. Tonight's sunset was one of the most beautiful I've seen in a long time and a gift to be viewing over the glassy surface of Lake Mendota, broken up by peaceful-looking sailboats, with a surprising and delightful violin/beatbox combination soothing my ears in the background. A truly Madison send-off. I love you, Madison. I know there will never be another place quite like you in my heart, but it's time for us to part.
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